Then and Now

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.
Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.
Then: Moving to California because it’s cool.
Now: Moving to California because it’s warm.
Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.
Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints, aching joints.
Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.
Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.
Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.
Then: Getting out to a new hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.
Then: Being called into the principal’s office.
Now: Calling the principal’s office.
Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system!
Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.
Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.
Then: “Whatever”
Now: “Depends”

The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.”
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favour.
Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?”
Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, “Your house.”

Bad Day

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right fucking number!' And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an asshole!' And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled, 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

So this is where things begin, I guess.

Welcome to my blog, I'll be updating this daily.

I guess if you guys want to occasionally laugh or look through this site with a stern emotionless face at all times, please check me out tomorrow.